Author still awaiting elusive growth spurt

I’ve been waiting.

For a long time.

I used to think it was a long wait for Christmas . . . at 5 p.m. on Christmas Eve.

But this? THIS?

This is like waiting for the mail in hell for a package that’s continually taken to the wrong address. And without enough postage. And when it does finally arrive, I’m three cents short of the postage due, so back it goes.

What is THIS exactly? Let me explain.

When I was 17, maybe 18, my mom told me I was going to have another growth spurt.

That was . . . well, let’s just say that was more than a few years ago. And I’m STILL waiting.

I’m 5-8 (mostly, almost assuredly). And I’m still waiting for the day I top 6-feet. That height, though, is always out of reach – both figuratively and literally.

Really, though, why would I ever expect to be tall? No one in my family is tall. No one, that is, until my son, who is about three inches taller than me.

I once walked into Sunglass Hut, and when the the sales clerk asked what I was looking for, I asked him if they had anything that would make me better looking, stronger, and about six inches taller. After giving me the weird look you’d expect following a request like that, he assured me they didn’t have anything like that. And I’m not sure he would have sold it to me even if they did.

You may be wondering, why do I even want to be taller? Why not be satisfied with the verticalization that i was born with?

There are several reasons. I can put the angel on the tree using just one ladder instead of two. I’d get to hear a whole new array of jokes as people went from short jokes to jabs about my new-found height.

But here’s the real reason. It’s a secret, so please don’t tell anyone. This is hard to admit, but I really want to be able to dunk a basketball. A basketball on a real basket, not a nerf ball on a hoop attached to a two-foot trashcan in my office. And it’s going to be the first thing I do once that growth spurt finally kicks in.

Much like in Kafka’s story “The Metamorphis,” I feel certain that any day I’m going to wake up, not as a bug, but as a much taller person.

So next time you’re at the movies and can’t see because of that tall dude sitting in front of you, remember – that might be (probably is!) me.

So I ask that you be patient with me. Because I don’t have a lot of experience being tall.

Not yet, anyway! But my mom promised it, so it’s gotta be true. Of course, I’m still waiting for Santa to come back too.

If nothing else, Santa might have that pair of sunglasses that will do the trick!

And a new basketball, too.