(It’s probably best if you read this first sentence with a very smooth, sexy voice. Think Barry White. Or even me – that is if you can imagine me having a sexy voice.) All right, ladies. Here’s what you’ve been waiting for. The second installment of my Girlfriend Handbook.
If you’re a regular reader, then you might remember my post from last summer, in which I mentioned the main benefit of having a blog as a single person. I found that by having a blog, I was able to avoid getting bogged down in all the questions that are so typical of a first date. Or second date. Or a relationship. Questions like, why does your son think hushpuppies are a fish? That’s easy, I say. You can read my very NORMAL son, his thoughts on eating fish and how I’ve got this parenting thing going on right here!
Or if a woman were to ask this very typical question: “What’s your son’s least favorite part of the show Davey and Goliath?” Again, I’m ALL prepared, and I save a ton of time simply directing her smart phone to this post.
And if a woman asks me, as she inevitably does, “Have you ever dated a woman who’s name you didn’t know.” Again. Easy-peasy! And presto! I show her this post of the woman I dated for several weeks without ever knowing her last name.
See how it works? Great right? And best of all, by bypassing all the chit chat and getting-to-know-ya stuff that’s so common in dating, we can move right on to the important stuff, like smooching and sex and all. Then after that 86 seconds is over, we can move on to even more good stuff, like watching NASCAR or discussing the latest in literature (Green Eggs and Ham is new, right? Well, I guess new to me will have to work).
But what I discovered, and it still holds true today, is that I can’t possibly answer all the potential questions that might pop up during a date. So again, in an effort to be efficient and avoid having to have an actual conversation on a date, here are many typical date questions and my answers. And again (insert Barry White voice here again) ladies, I’m only thinking about your needs here.
1. “Do you think you’re a good parent?” Certainly. I haven’t killed off either one of my kids. In fact, I haven’t even sold one or the other for adoption. Although I have been checking out prices on that adoption thing . . .
2. “Are you a good listener?” Of course. And I could listen to the TV a lot better without all the questions.
3. “Do you practice good personal hygiene?” Yes, but I don’t wash my belly button. That way in case I ever pass out and no one knows who I am, I’m hoping doctors will be able to perform some archaeological-type of test and discover how old I am.
4. “Do you keep your house clean?” Well, how do you expect me to do that? I have to do something with all that dirt I’m getting off of me!
5. “Do you make sure your kids stay clean.” Yes. And I’m proud to say my son learned everything he knows about staying clean from our cat.
6. “Do you know how to cook?” Of course I can! What kind of stupid man do you think I am. I can cook both Banquet and Lean Cuisine dinners!!
7. “What kind of car do you drive?” Well, imagine a Porsche. Now, imagine what a Porsche would look like if it were a bicycle . . .
8. “Where do you see yourself in 10 years?” I’m not sure . . . what night of the week is that on?
9. “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I just hope I can stay the same thoughtful, considerate person I’ve always been.
10. “What’s your favorite TV show?” Why, Grey’s Anatomy, of course! (Shhhhh. It’s not really Grey’s, but I have to give them something. Afterall, if you want a good relationship, you have to put the other person first!)