(You should read the following with an Australian accent. Oh, and pretend you’re wearing one of those really cool safari hats. I promise not to tell anyone)
G’day everyone and welcome to this week’s edition of It’s Just Nature. As we do every week, we’ll be journeying to some of THE most remote locations on the planet. Tonight’s episode includes a trip to a place seldom ventured. A land of danger and INtrigue. Tonight, we’ll take an exclusive look at the uninhibited world of a bachelor. A HUMAN bachelor.
As always, I want to remind you that the images you are about to see have NOT been edited or altered nor has the house been cleaned). Some viewers might find the following images and documentary shocking and disturbing. Viewer discretion is advised.
So come with me now as we venture . . .inside the habitat of the human bachelor . . .
Ahhhhh. Here we are now . . .We’ve chosen a rather unusual subject for our Programme. As we slowly make our way into the living quarters of the Human Bachelor, we see that he has two young cubs that he is raising. As you can see, they are learning at an early age what it’s like to live in the wild.
As we venture deeper into the living quarters, we see that the Human Bachelor is foraging for food for he and his young. After a hard day out on the plains, we see that the male was in fact able to make a kill today. On close look, it appears that he has brought down an elusive batch of spaghetti noodles, and now prepares the kill for he and his brood to ravage.
(You are still using the Australian accent, right?) As we see in this exCLUsive photo, the male is stirring what appears to be a sauce of some kind, which we can only assume he’ll use to entice his young cubs to eat the otherwise tasteless prey he’s prepared.
Now, after the Male Bachelor and his young female cub feasted on tonight’s kill (with nothing left by the gnawed bones of the once proud spaghetti), we’ll venture near the pack’s watering hole where we find . . . Wait! What’s this?!! It appears that these creatures, much like the more domesticated house cat, are CLEANING the very utensils they used for the feeding frenzy. But unlike a cat, they’re not using their tongues. Perhaps these creatures are not quite the sloths we imagined when we began our journey.
But there’s still a lingering question, a piece of the puzzle that is still missing. Namely this: where is the young male cub. He wasn’t taking part in the carnage. Where could he be.
Slowly, (ominous music begins in background) oh so sloooowly, we make our way down through the darkness to his nesting area where we find . . . (ominous music turns into a light, whimsical ballad) the young cub napping after a hard day of play. Oooops, it appears we may have awakened the young cub from his slumber.
It looks now like the young cub will soon be alert and ready to prowl as the sun makes its way below the horizon. Is he nocturnal? After several weeks of observation, it appeared that in fact, he was NOT nocturnal. So we can only assume that this daytime nap was not a part of his usual routine.
We spent several weeks of grueling research, surviving on our wits and whatever we could find in this broods refrigerator. But much of what we saw was typical of the evening you’ve just witnessed from the safety of your home.
We hope you’ve enjoyed tonight’s episode. Join us next week on “It’s Just Nature” as we take a bold look at how Pop Tarts are harvested in the wild.