The Girlfriend Handbook

Writing a blog has been great for my dating life. No, it’s not many (any) dates, but it’s done something even better: My blog has answered a lot of those typical first-date questions.

And that saves me a lot of time on dates, so I can do more of the important stuff while I’m on my dates, you know, like drinking beer and scoping out potential new dates.

For example, if a woman asks me what my most embarrassing moment is, I can immediately direct her to my blog post of how I accidentally broke into someone’s house, How I Unwittingly Became a Criminal.

Or is she asks another typical first-date question, such as, what kind of food do you crave when people vomit, then I can very coolly and nonchalantly say, “Well, you can read about that in my blog post I’m Feeling Sick – Can You Get Me a Taco?

And sometimes they might even ask me a very non-threatening question, like “Are your kids fairly normal?” And my quick reply, of course, would be “Have you ever read my blog?”

However, as you might guess, I can’t possibly write all the blog posts that can answer ALL of the potential questions I might be asked on a date.

Or can I . . .?

Presenting (sound the trumpets) my handbook of first-date questions and my answers. This way, any potential date can read this and already know the answers so I don’t have to waste a lot of time talking and getting acquainted on a date. Keep in mind, that I’ll always try to steer the conversation to topics that I’ve covered in previous blogs, again saving both me and my date valuable time. So here we go . . .

“Are those your real teeth?” Yes, surprisingly, these are my real teeth, and I still have ALL of them. Not only that, I’ve never had a cavity.

“Do you keep your bedroom clock set to the right time?” No, actually I keep the clock next to my bed 22 minutes fast? That way I always have a few extra minutes every morning, but I have to do some cipherin’ to know exactly how many.

“Do you wear soft pajamas to bed?” Actually, I sleep in the . . . uh, let’s move on to the next question.

“What’s your favorite food for dinner?” Fried chicken.

“What’s your favorite fast food?” Pizza . . . with everything!

“What’s your favorite junk food?” Hostess Ding Dongs! Or a Snicker bar. Or a Milky Way bar. Or chocolate ice cream. Or sometimes apple pie can be especially good. Or . . .

“What’s your favorite thing for a woman to wear?” Do I really need to answer that one . . .

“Do you have any pets?” Do kids count?

“Do you have any kids?” Do pets count?

“On our first date, would you rather take me to a romantic dinner, a comedy club, a party, or a Monster Truck show?” Hey, you left out rasslin’.

“I understand you’ve written a book. Is it a best seller?” Ummmm. Next question! And HURRY!!

“What is your best feature?” Without a doubt, it’s got to me my charming personality and my ability to really take the time to get to know someone on a date. Oh wait . . .

“If you were stranded on a deserted island, what’s the one thing you would want to have with you?” A way off.

Well, I’m sure there are other important and pressing questions that could be asked on a first date, but I think I’ve covered most of them that I haven’t already written about in my blog.

Now I’ll just sit back and wait on the ladies. After all, how can they not be moved by such a sincere blog post as this . . .