With my birthday coming up in just a little over a month, I’m sure many of you have been racking your brain trying to decide what to get for me.
Well, let me make it easy for you . . .
For years now, I’ve had one birthday wish. Well, one main one, and a smaller, auxiliary wish.
The main one is simple: I want to hire singer Sade to sing “Happy Birthday” to me.
Ok, I realize that she is somewhat more famous than me. And doesn’t live in this country. And it’s very doubtful that she doesn’t perform private shows. And may or may not still be married. But those are just small obstacles. I have been saving my pennies for several years now, and have now saved $42 and a handful of change.
Ok, I might be a little short. But that, dear reader, is where you come in. You can send your checks (or better yet, cash) to me in C/O the Sade-to-sing-at-my-birthday-party. And if you want to pay online, just add a dot-com to the end of the address. That should work, right?
Ok, my other wish is really more of a fantasy, but it can easily be converted to a birthday wish (see how easy writing is when you don’t have any rules to follow? There’s a life analogy in there somewhere – I just know it!)
Basically it involves singer Sheryl Crow. I want to date her.
And I figure really, why not. She’s finally dumped that awful Lance Armstrong fella. And really, just about anyone would look good after him. Right? Well, I’m hoping so anyway.
I figure I can travel around to her shows with her, bring her water after she sings, maybe give her some encouraging comments on new music that she writes. “Sheryl, that one’s really good!”
So to make this a reality, I’ve written her a letter. Here’s the rough draft; see what you think (while reading this, you should use a voice from the movie Deliverance, or perhaps the voice of Dale from “King of the Hill”)
My dearest Sheryl,
I’ve written you a love poem to show you the depths of my feelings for you. Here it is,
My love for you is pure,
My lust for you is genuine,
I’ll give you everything I’ve got,
Just say you’ll be mine
Ok, so maybe I don’t have that much to give to her. As stated earlier, I have a little over 40 bucks, a car that needs new tires (don’t tell her, but I’m hoping she’ll float me a loan for new ones after we’ve been dating a while – you know, like three or four days), and I need a haircut. But I’m willing to let her take on that job herself.
But after showing the letter to a few friends, the general consensus was – too stalkery. Yikes, no one wants that!
So I put my thinking cap back on, and decided to adopt the Bobby Brady technique. Remember that episode where he wanted to meet Joe Namath, so sent a letter to Joe explaining how sick he was and how Joe needed to come visit before it was TOO LATE.
So see how you like this version of my letter to Sheryl. I thought this one could be from my daughter, explaining my dire situation. I thought my daughter would have more credibility, since she’s an adult and all.
Hi, how are you?
My dad is a BIG fan of yours and he is very, very sick. His one wish before he dies (and he will die someday – wink, wink) is to
marry date meet you. Could you possibly stop by some time and visit with him for just a few minutes. It’s his dying wish.
PS – he asked if you could bring him a cheeseburger. He thinks he’ll be hungry.
Ok, maybe that one needs a little work, too. In fact, I know the chances of either of these things happenings is pretty remote. But I do get one more candle on my cake this year, and I can spend my wish however I want to . . .
(DISCLAIMER: No celebrities were hurt in the writing of this post. Nor were they stalked, assaulted, assailed, accosted, their Facebook pages weren’t liked, and there was no fantasizing going on. Ok, maybe a little fantasizing . . .)