9 Reasons why your kid might not be the doctor’s favorite patient

I’ve been dealing with a sick kid all week. He’s got all the typical symptoms doctors look for before pronouncing judgment – cough, fever, waking zombie-like in the middle of the night, demanding a wide variety of drinks, and commandeering the tv so that you’re stuck watching Sponge Bob rather than something intelligent, like pro rasslin’ or something.

And while having a sick kid is never good, taking them to the doctor might be even worse. I don’t like going to the doctor, and I like taking my kids even less. It’s kind of a last-resort thing. I usually try to cure them at home (No, I’m not a doctor, but I did drive by a Holiday Inn Express last night).

Ok, I know my kid might have some peculiar habits, but he’s not a bad patient. Right? Well, that’s what I thought. But when the kid ahead of us left the examing room with a sucker, and my son was only given the bill, I knew something might not be quite right.

So here are 9 reasons why your kid might not be your doctor’s favorite patient. Not all of these happened on our most recent visit, but we’ve down most of these roads – sometimes more than once.

1. Your kid smells like garlic toasts because that’s all his diet has consisted of for the last three days.

And in our case, there wasn’t any answering questions about said diet. My son just opened his mouth. Pretty apparent. Yet, sadly, his diet of garlic toasts, Sprite, and a sporadic peanut-butter cracker is actually better than what he normally eats.

2. Your kid’s medical history is written in handwriting that’s worse than the doctor’s.

Ok, this isn’t really your kid’s fault. But in our case, I didn’t win my son any points in this area.

3. Throwing up around or on the nurse.

Ummmmm . . . Ok, no explanation here.

4. Your kids is more in-depth than the doctor.

This is the result of having an OCD – and embracing that fact.

Dr: “It looks like you’ve got a fever of 101.”

Kid: “Actually, it’s 101.2, and it’s fluctuated between 99.5 and 102.7. That’s probably been caused by an infection of my . . . ” And so it goes.

5. Your kid knows more details of the illness than you do.

In reply to how long have you been sick, I said 2 days.

“Dad,” my son said, “it’s actually been three and a half days. Remember, I started feeling bad at 10:17 Sunday night, and then . . .” and so it goes some more.

6. Your kid throws up on the doctor.

See number 3.

7. Your kid tells the doctor the exact medicine and foods you’ve let him eat since being sick.

Ok, so maybe the Benedryl wasn’t needed for fever, but hey, my lack of sleep seemed more harmful to my son’s health than any infection he might have.

8. Your kid doesn’t smell good.

To paraphrase Mr. Carlson from “WKRP in Cincinnati”: “As God is my witness, I thought you were supposed to keep kids away from water when they were sick.

9. Your kid picks up the bill at the end of the visit.

Ok, this didn’t actually happen. But in times of great stress, we can dream, can’t we . . . ?