Realization of Avoidant Attachment Style puts new perspective on life’s events

Life can take some funny turns and surprises. Sometimes those surprises are not quite that, well, surprising. And other times, they can be live-changing.

I was recently on google. It was one of those panic-inspired, soul-searching episodes brought on by a strong case of the What’s-wrong-with-me-itis. If you’ve ever been driven to the internet in a frenzy like that, you might know that these episodes often turn into a meandering journey from psychology and possible personal mental ailments, to the psychology of current soap stars, to then the plots of current soaps and then movies, and finally ending on IMDB and reading some of the humorous posts about the final episode of Game of Thrones.

But not this time.

I began by reading why it was so difficult for me to have close, intimate relationships with others. Not much there at first. But then I happened to stumble on some information on Attachment Styles.

I’ve heard of attachment styles before, but didn’t know much, and really hadn’t given it much consideration.

Until I started reading about Avoidant Attachment Style.

I felt like I was reading a summary of myself: hyper-independence, distancing techniques, discomfort with intimacy, and emotional unavailability, just to name a few.

And suddenly (and with what felt like some Hollywood-like WHOOSH sound effects), much of my life came into focus.

In past relationships, I had felt these emotions before, but didn’t know what they were. The many times I would find myself in a good relationship only to feel myself becoming anxious, to feel myself pulling away even when my mind told me not to.

Becoming “squirrelly” is the way I used to refer to it myself. But I never understood it. I never understood these feelings that would resurface time after time. I would always say, wait until next time. That next good relationship is going to be the one, that person won’t make me feel this way.

Unfortunately, the only constant was me.

It’s a strange feeling for one who is almost 60 to discover something new about himself. It has re-framed my whole life. I remember having these feelings with my very first girlfriend in high school, up until my current relationships.

But it’s not just been with dating relationships. I also recognize now, to my dismay, that I’ve been this way with friendships. And with work – both with people I work with and the workplace itself.

I see now that I’ve distanced myself time after time after time. And I’m ashamed of my behavior and my actions.

I realize now that these actions came about from some deep-imbedded emotions.

Yet, I also realize that I can’t use this as an excuse. I’m responsible for my actions. I”m responsible for failed intimate relationships. And failed friendships.

I feel like I’ve let many, many people down over the years.

So you may be wondering, why am I writing this? What do I hope to gain?l

Really, I’m just writing this for myself. I haven’t written on this site in a while, and I don’t expect anyone to read it. If, however, you are someone I know, someone I might have hurt, please know I’m sincerely sorry for the way I acted.

If you’re just a reader who happened upon this post, maybe this is something that can help you. Or someone you know.

Going forward, I know I can’t be perfect in this area. In fact, in my next relationship, I’m already preparing for these feelings to return.

Like Mike Tyson said, Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the face.

I know it won’t be easy. But at least now I can recognize these feelings. I can have some techniques at hand to help me. And, most of all, I have the knowledge of what’s going on, and I can explain that to others – not as an excuse, but as a favor to please be patient with me.

I know I won’t be perfect, but I can be a lot better with others than I have been in the past.