The Way a Dating Profile SHOULD be Written

I recently thought about trying my luck with online dating. If you’re not familiar with online dating, it’s basically technology’s way of taking the horror and humiliation of regular dating and multiplying it by a number that’s larger than my annual salary.

So first I need a profile picture. That’s easy enough – there are plenty of pictures online I can “borrow” and claim for my own. (You say I look a lot like George Clooney? Would you believe he’s my cousin?)

The other thing you need is a profile, which is basically you describing yourself – what you like and what you’re like.

But as I was writing my profile, I was suddenly hit with a lightening bolt of a thought (you know, like in the cartoons). Whoa!, I thought, Of course everyone’s profile is going to sound great. I mean, who in their right mind would ever write something bad about themselves.

It was probably the marketer in me that had me thinking about it. But then I thought, why not use a marketing technique when trying to line myself up socially. And there’s not a better technique in marketing than testimonials.

Ahhh yes . . . what better way to win the hearts of the ladies than with testimonials. But who would I use. I couldn’t really afford celebreties. And then it hit me: what better way to have some credibility than by using testimonials from women from my past.

To quote one of the greats from American television: Shaggy from Scooby Doo fame, “Zonkers!” 

This was a winning idea. I decided I would contact all the women I had dated in my life, and get them to provide some (ahem) honest insight into what a (ahem) “great guy” I am. So after searching through storage boxes and old files, I was able to find the contact information for both of them. But then I realized, I would probably need more than just feedback from two women. So I started scouring through old address books and yearbooks, some dating back as far as kindergarten. And after much legwork, I was finally able to cobble together a nice assortment of input from females from my past. To protect everyone’s identity, I’m just using their first initials. And then I changed those, too – you know, just in case.

So without further delay, here are the testimonials for my online dating profile.

First from J:

“You’re asking about Mark? That low-down, good for nothing, SOB!! If I EVER get my hands on him again, I’m going to rip his little – ”

Whoa. Some harsh words there. But to quote the 70s pop group the Osmonds, One bad apple don’t spoil the whole bunch. So let’s hear now from B

“Oooohhhh. I remember Mark. He was great in bed . . . ”

All right. Now this is more like it!

” . . . I NEVER saw anyone sleep as well as he did.”

Hmmmmm. Ok, not exactly what I was looking for, but at least we’re moving in the right direction. So let’s turn it over to E

“Who? Mark? Mark? Hmmmmmm. That’s not ringing a bell. You sure I went out with him.”

Again, not the most ringing of endorsements. But I still feel like this is a good idea. So let’s hear from W, who lives somewhere in the heartland.

“Sure I remember Mark. Do you know his address? I have a document he REALLY needs to sign. I told him several years ago the test came back positive, and I really need to – ”

Ok. Ok. I admit, maybe this testimonial-from-the-ex-girlfriends is not such a great idea. So my online dating profile is pretty much going to stink. But at least I still have my looks. If you don’t believe me, here’s D to back me up:

“Oh wow. That guy is a hunk. He is soooooo good looking. And he has one of the FINE-est . . . well, you know. Yeah, I’ve never been out with anyone as good looking as Mike.”

Hey, not Mike. I’m Mark.

“Mark? Who’s Mark? Oh wait, is he that scrawny, goofy-lookin’ guy that kept tryin’ to take me out.”

I did take you out! Remember?!!

“Bumping into me on the Funyuns aisle and offering to pay for them isn’t a date.”

Dang. I knew I should have taken her to the chocolate aisle.