I was excited to receive my copy of Birdemic: Shock and Terror just the other day. And for good reason. It had been voted as one of the worst movies of the 2000s, and the back of thedvd case proclaimed it as “The best worst movie of all time!”
So it was probably natural that my expectations were too high, and I ended up disappointed. But only a little.
To say Birdemic was bad, would be a disservice to those movies that are only bad. This thing was some kind of bad. And it did my soul good to watch it.
My son watched it with me. We somehow endured the first hour, which felt like a two-day wait in the emergency room. The first hour “developed” (and I use that term loosely) the love story of Rod, a software salesman, and Nathalie, a lingerie model, with acting so wooden you could have built a bridge out of them (as they might say on Monty Python. Or if they were just trying to determine if they were a witch.).
But once we got that out of the way, the final 30 minutes are well worth watching.
The two were enjoying a stay at a hotel when . . . BOOM! The birds began to attack. And that’s the exact sound they made too. That’s right birds that sounded like airplane bombers from a bad WWII movie. And somehow the birds were able to cause things to just caused things to get Blowed Up.
Were the special effects bad? Well, it looked like the birds had been superimposed on the screen. As did the multitude of fires that the attack of the birds caused.
The birds looked like something out of an 80s video game. They hovered (without flapping their wings, mind you) in the air, gawking and squawking at our poor protagonists. Without moving, the birds just hung there. In the air. With no real explanation. And no one was wondering how this was possible.
Rod and Nathalie somehow hooked up with another couple at the hotel. The four armed themselves with clothes hangers (I can’t make this stuff up) to make their way to the friend’s van. The friend, who was in the Marines, just happened to have two guns in the car, including a machine gun that never runs out of bullets.
The funniest part of the movie was when they actually shot a bird, which made a SPLAT! sound. The bird instantly turns to video bird carcass that had a splotch of red on it that might have been a ketchup stain from some hashbrowns I ate one morning.
It was fun to watch as Nathalie shot a bird that was on her friend’s face. “She’s dead.” Hmmmmm. You think the gun shot to the face might have had something to do with that.
And then there was the ecological and political message. Those messages were . . . hmmmmmmm . . . those messages were. Well, I’m not sure. But basically I guess the message would be don’t mess with birds. And don’t drive cars, or the birds will take it out of you and drive the price of gas up to $100 a gallon (which actually happened in the movie.)
And there was the cheap ripoff of John Lennon’s song “Give Peace a Chance,” where the marine dude actually says “Can’t we just give peace a chance?” And I immediately thought that was a line from that song. And that was immediately followed by an instrumental ripoff of the song. Then the movie went so far as to show a driver of a car who had been killed with a slash to the throat (what? you didn’t know birds could do that?), wearing a white t-shirt that looked like it had the words “Give Peace a Chance” photoshopped onto it.
The movie ends with the birds just basically saying, “Eh, what the heck. We’ve done all the damage we can do here.” And they flap (occasionally) off into the sunset. Only, they never actually get any farther away.
Oh, and Rod and hic woman catch a fish and cook it in what looks like a big pile of vomit soup, with a helping of (and I can’t make this up) seaweed. Rod and Nathalie picked up a couple of whiny kids somewhere along the adventure. The kids immediately start complaining that they want a Happy Meal.
Should you watch this movie? Well, as someone who enjoys bad movies, I would give Birdemic: Shock and Terror a rating of 9 out of 10 on the Badometer. And if you’re not sure you can stomach the love story, just skip ahead to the First Attack.
Oh, and even though our young protagonists keep referring to their attackers as “eagles” don’t be fooled. The attackers are nothing but some leftover remnants of a video game that have been dressed up like buzzards.